The front page of a newspaper tells you what happened. The classified columns tell you how people were living when it did. They are the least edited part of any paper and the most truthful: what was for sale, what was wanted, who had lost a dog.
The following are offered as the small ads from the last edition of the last local newspaper, which is imagined as carrying on for some weeks after events had made its other sections redundant. Rates were unchanged. Box numbers have been removed, there being nobody to forward replies.
Situations vacant
NIGHT WATCHMAN required for premises with nothing left in them. Applicant should be comfortable with long silences and able to supply own torch. Previous experience of guarding empty buildings an advantage; previous experience of anything an advantage.
OPTIMIST wanted by small firm to maintain morale. Must be self-starting. The last one left without notice and took the kettle.
PROPHET, part time. Local organization seeks replacement following a difference of opinion over dates. Must be flexible. No time-wasters, which the committee recognizes is an awkward thing to ask.
TOWN CRIER. The council invites applications. Duties light, there being little to announce and fewer to hear it. Bell provided. Candidate will be expected to say "all's well" at intervals regardless.
GRAVEDIGGER. Steady work.
Situations wanted
FORMER FORECASTER seeks any position. Twenty years' experience of being wrong in a confident manner. References available from people who did not bring a coat.
EXPERT, recently discredited, will consider anything.
GENTLEMAN of regular habits wishes to be told what to do. Has tried deciding for himself and did not care for it.
For sale
CALENDAR, next year's, unused. Seller no longer expects to need it. Would suit a hopeful person or a collector.
BUNKER, well appointed, sleeps four. Owner has spent two weeks in it and now wishes to live somewhere with a window. Tinned goods included. Board games included; one piece missing from each.
ENCYCLOPEDIA, complete in twenty-four volumes, describing a world in considerable detail. Somewhat out of date. Buyer collects.
ONE HUNDRED PLACARDS reading THE END IS NIGH. Surplus to requirements following a change of plan. Will separate. Could be altered.
WRISTWATCH, gentleman's, keeps perfect time. Reason for sale: no longer wishes to know.
FIVE-YEAR PLAN, barely started. Offers.
Wanted
SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO. Anything considered. Will collect.
INSTRUCTIONS for item purchased some time ago. Described in the shop as the future. Arrived in pieces. Several parts appear to be for a different model.
THE NAME of the tune they used to play at the end of the evening. It went up and then down. Advertiser has been humming it for a month and it is getting worse.
WITNESSES to the way things used to be. Advertiser is beginning to wonder whether he imagined it.
Lost and found
LOST, in the vicinity of Main Street: a sense of proportion. Sentimental value only.
LOST: one Thursday. Was definitely here at the beginning of the week.
FOUND, on the bench by the war memorial: a pair of reading glasses and an unfinished crossword. The glasses may be claimed. The finder would be glad of help with nine down.
FOUND: a dog, medium, brown, answers to nothing. Appears entirely untroubled by events and is being kept on as an example.
LOST: the thread. Advertiser had it a moment ago.
Property
TO LET. Shop premises, prominent position, formerly a bank, a wine bar, a phone shop, a charity shop and a pop-up. Suit someone with a new idea, or no ideas.
HOUSE, three bedrooms, garden backing on to what was the view. Priced to reflect the situation. No chain; nothing leading anywhere.
ROOM in shared house. Would suit quiet person. The other occupants have gone, but their things are still here and it would be good to have somebody about.
Services
CLOCKS STOPPED. Reasonable rates. Also started again, should you change your mind.
GRIEF: have yours listened to by a retired schoolmistress with a good chair. No advice given. Biscuits.
PIANO TUNED. It will make no difference to anything. That is rather the appeal.
LETTERS WRITTEN on your behalf to persons no longer at their address. Tactful. See also Dead Letter Office in the library.
Announcements
THE HORTICULTURAL SOCIETY will hold its autumn show as usual. Classes for marrows, dahlias and preserves. The committee is aware of the circumstances and has taken the view that the marrows are not.
THE CHOIR meets Wednesdays. Tenors urgently needed. So is everything, but the choir can only address the tenors.
MR. AND MRS. E. HALLIWELL thank all friends and neighbors for kindness shown during their recent bewilderment.
THE EDITOR regrets that owing to a shortage of events there will be no news in this edition. Readers are assured that the crossword, the classifieds and the weather will continue for as long as there is ink, and after that by word of mouth.
Personal
TO THE WOMAN who smiled at the bus stop on the Tuesday before everything: I should have said something. I am saying it now. I am at the same stop most days. The bus no longer comes, but I am there.
ARTHUR. Come home. Nothing is forgiven but the dinner is in the oven and I have stopped being cross, there not being the energy.
I AM STILL HERE, if anyone was wondering. No reply needed. I only wished it to appear in print somewhere.