These Terms and Conditions (the "Terms") govern your participation in the End of the World (the "Event"). By continuing to exist, you ("you", "the Occupant") acknowledge that you have read, understood and agreed to be bound by these Terms. If you do not agree, you should cease to exist immediately, although this will not affect your obligations under clauses 4, 9 and 13.
1. Definitions
1.1 "The World" means the planet, its contents, its atmosphere, any future you were counting on, and all associated goodwill.
1.2 "The Event" means the conclusion, cessation, winding up or indefinite suspension of the World, whether sudden, gradual, or so gradual that it is noticed only in retrospect.
1.3 "The Provider" means whoever is responsible. The Provider's identity is confidential, and may not exist.
1.4 "Reasonable notice" means any notice whatsoever, including omens, trends, graphs, the behavior of animals, and a general feeling.
2. Nature of the service
2.1 The World is provided "as is" and "as available". The Provider makes no warranty that the World will be uninterrupted, timely, secure or free from error.
2.2 You acknowledge that the World was already in use when you received it and may show signs of wear.
2.3 Features may be withdrawn without notice. Features withdrawn to date include several thousand species, a number of seasons and the sense that things were broadly heading in the right direction.
3. Scheduling
3.1 The Event will take place at a time to be determined. The Provider is under no obligation to tell you when, and has declined to do so on every previous occasion.
3.2 Dates published by third parties, including but not limited to prophets, forecasters, calendars and men with placards, are not endorsed by the Provider. A partial list of such dates is maintained in our calendar of failed prophecies.
3.3 The Event may be delivered in installments. You agree that you may already have received one or more installments and that failure to notice does not entitle you to a repeat.
3.4 The Provider reserves the right to postpone. Postponement does not constitute cancellation and should not be taken as encouragement.
4. Your obligations
4.1 You agree to continue behaving normally for as long as is practicable.
4.2 You agree to go to work. In the event that your place of work no longer exists, you agree to feel that you ought to be there.
4.3 You will keep all receipts.
4.4 You agree not to say "I told you so." This clause survives the termination of everything.
5. Acceptable use
5.1 You may not use the Event for commercial purposes without a license. Licenses have been granted to the insurance, entertainment and bottled water sectors.
5.2 You may not hoard. Where hoarding has already taken place you agree to feel a bit silly about it afterward, if there is an afterward.
5.3 You may panic only in designated areas.
6. Liability
6.1 To the fullest extent permitted by law, and it is anticipated that law will shortly permit a great deal, the Provider accepts no liability for any loss arising from the Event, including loss of life, property, loved ones, meaning, or data.
6.2 You acknowledge that you were warned. See clause 1.4.
6.3 Nothing in these Terms limits liability for anything that it would be unlawful to limit. You are welcome to pursue the matter in court. The courts are included in the World. See clause 1.1.
7. Force majeure
7.1 The Provider shall not be responsible for any failure to perform caused by circumstances beyond its reasonable control, including acts of God.
7.2 For the avoidance of doubt, the Event is itself an act of God, or of nobody, and in either case falls under clause 7.1. The Provider is therefore not responsible for the Event on the grounds that the Event has occurred.
8. Refunds
8.1 No refunds.
8.2 Time spent worrying is non-refundable and may not be exchanged for time spent otherwise.
8.3 If the Event does not take place within your lifetime, you will not be compensated for having expected it. You are, however, entitled to keep the tinned food.
9. Intellectual property
9.1 All rights in the Event are reserved. You may not reproduce, adapt or dramatize the Event, except in the form of novels, films, television series, video games, sermons, songs, and conversation at dinner, which it is acknowledged you have been doing for some time.
9.2 Any prediction you make which turns out to be correct becomes the property of the Provider.
10. Privacy
10.1 The Provider does not collect your personal data. The Provider already has it.
10.2 Your final thoughts may be used for training purposes.
11. Changes to these Terms
11.1 The Provider may amend these Terms at any time by altering the laws of physics.
11.2 Your continued existence following any amendment constitutes acceptance.
12. Complaints
12.1 Complaints should be made in writing and addressed to the appropriate authority. A list of appropriate authorities is not available.
12.2 The Provider aims to respond to all complaints within one geological age.
12.3 If you are dissatisfied with the outcome of your complaint, you may refer it to the independent ombudsman, who is the Provider.
13. General
13.1 If any provision of these Terms is found to be unenforceable, the remaining provisions shall continue in effect for as long as there is anyone to enforce them.
13.2 These Terms constitute the entire agreement between you and the universe. No waiver, kindness, mercy or exception shall be implied.
13.3 These Terms are governed by the law of entropy, to the non-exclusive jurisdiction of which you irrevocably submit.
13.4 Headings are for convenience only and do not affect interpretation. Nothing does.
By reading this far you have accepted the Terms. The archive regrets that it is unable to offer a box to tick. For the philosophical position underlying clause 8, see Pessimism: A User's Manual. For a more hopeful document, see anything else.