A course catalog is a strange kind of document. It describes, in the future tense and with total confidence, a semester that has not yet happened. It assumes that the students will arrive, the rooms will be heated and the reading will be done. It is one of the most hopeful things an institution publishes.
The listings below are offered as those of a small liberal arts college that, in view of the circumstances, has decided to run one final semester rather than none. The registrar saw no reason to alter the format. Credit will be awarded. Transcripts will not be issued, there being nowhere to send them.
Literature
LIT 101. Last Words. A survey of the final lines of great books, read in isolation, without the books. Students will consider whether an ending can be understood without what came before it, and will be given every opportunity to find out. Format: lecture. Requirements: a closing sentence, submitted at the end.
LIT 210. The Literature of Horror. Why do we enjoy in fiction what would appall us in life? This perennial question will be approached through the usual texts. The department notes that the second half of the question has become harder to set as a hypothetical, and invites students to treat the syllabus as light relief. Background reading: The Pleasures of Dread. Format: discussion, with the lights on.
LIT 340. Unfinished Novels. Students will read only works whose authors died before completing them, and will be asked to imagine the endings. The course itself may not be completed. This will not affect the grade. Prerequisite: a tolerance for loose ends.
LIT 480. Senior Seminar: The Last Reader. Somebody will be the last person to read each book in the library. This seminar asks who, and which books, and whether they will have enjoyed them. Students choose one volume each and are responsible for it. Format: independent study, indefinitely.
Philosophy
PHIL 120. Introduction to Nihilism. An overview of the position that nothing matters, and of the four or five incompatible things that has been taken to mean. See Nihilism: Four Ways of Wanting Nothing. Grading: pass/fail. The department has been unable to agree on what would constitute either.
PHIL 205. The Theory of Expenditure. For the first time in its history the department has a surplus. In keeping with the subject, the whole of it will be spent in a single afternoon in week nine, on fireworks, cake and a brass band. Attendance is compulsory and the afternoon will be examined. Background reading: The Curse of the Sun.
PHIL 330. Ethics in Extremity. Is it still wrong to cheat at cards if the world ends on Tuesday? Is it still necessary to return a library book? The course will establish that it is, and students will be graded on whether they do.
History
HIST 230. A History of the Future. A survey of predictions from antiquity to last month, arranged by date and by degree of error. Students will compile a predictive timeline of their own as a final project. These will be kept, in case.
HIST 499. The Present as History. Historians have traditionally declined to write about the present on the grounds that its consequences are not yet known. That objection no longer applies. This capstone seminar will treat the current semester as a closed period and produce its definitive account. Format: students take notes on everything.
Religion
REL 150. Failed Prophecies. A field course. Students will travel to hilltops on several announced dates and wait. Thermos flasks are recommended. The instructor has run this course every year for eleven years and observes, without wishing to alarm anyone, that this is the first time the enrollment has been oversubscribed. Companion text: A Calendar of Failed Prophecies.
REL 260. The Ages of the World. Gold, silver, bronze, iron and, this term, whatever comes next. A comparative study of esoteric histories, with particular attention to the question of whether any of them anticipated a semester like this one. Several did. None was specific about the timetable.
REL 310. Spiritualism Lab. A practical introduction to the seance and its history. Attendance will be taken on both sides. Prerequisite: REL 150 or a recent bereavement.
Art
ART 220. Shock and Its Limits. Students will attempt to produce a work capable of shocking an audience that has seen everything, recently and at first hand. The department regards this as the hardest assignment in the catalog. Background reading: The Scandal Machine. Studio fee: waived.
ART 301. Still Life. A traditional painting class. A bowl of fruit will be provided at the start of term and replaced as necessary, and then not.
Library science
LIB 101. Cataloging the Remains. Required of all students. An introduction to description, labeling and the keeping of records, on the principle that whatever happens, somebody may want to know what was here. Students will be assigned a shelf. See The Cabinet Habit. Format: practical. Gloves provided.
Physical education
PE 100. Running. Toward or away. The coach does not mind which, but asks that students pick a direction before the whistle and keep to it.
PE 140. Lawn Bowls. Unchanged from previous years. The club notes that it has played through two wars, a flood and the closure of the railway, and does not propose to stop now.
Administrative notices
Grading. All grades for the semester will be final. The registrar regrets any confusion this phrase may cause.
Office hours. Faculty will keep their usual office hours. Several have asked to keep longer ones, there being, they say, nothing much at home.
The bell. The chapel bell will continue to ring the hours. It has been out by four minutes since 1962 and it is too late to correct it.
Commencement will be held on the lawn, weather and everything else permitting. The commencement speaker has been asked to keep it short. Gowns may be retained.